Applying for a Job I Like

I've spent a lot of time this week trying to come to terms with the kind of job that I actually want. 

It took me so long just to get to the point where I could say "I want a job" that these simple little steps seem like huge victories to me. 

So this week, in the midst of my despair, the only thing that I could count on was that I actually want a full time job. I look forward to it. I look forward to applying myself to something and getting a paycheck in return and having some structure in my life.

But what kind of thing do I want to fill that space, that 40 hours a week, that 1/4 of my life?

Nothing was appealing to me. NOTHING. What kind of job do I want? I don't know but I'm not excited about this one. 

Sigh. It really sucks to keep applying to jobs that you're not really that excited about. I let it bring me down. It got in the way. There were so many wonderful things to do in the world and I couldn't be joyful about them because I couldn't get over the fact that no job excited me.

And then, last night, in the wee hours, I decided to check craigslist. And craigslist like the trickster that s/he is had a little jem of hope for me: A job that made my pulse race, that made me smile, that actually motivated me to begin a cover letter right then and right there, to brainstorm the ways in which I could change my resume to be more effective for this particular position. 

Its a dream job. Its a job that marries my skills and experience and my love for dogs. Its a job that would give me weekends off, respect in my communities and would feed my soul.

I hope I get it. But if not, at least I know what it feels like to be excited about a job again.

Kinda feels like a mini-falling-in-love. It feels like spring days after a long winter, like a bubble bath at the end of a long day, like blady-blahdey-blah. 

Anyways. That is all. I no longer feel like my working future is dead. A job that is right for me will feed my wallet and fuel my life. I'll be more satisfied, more inspired and more energetic. I'll loose 20 pounds and find 20 dollars in the sofa.

I can't wait to go back to work!

And in the meantime I better get cracking on finishing up the garden and my rain water collection barrels and painting the kitchen and working out constantly and enjoying long days at the greenbelt and fixing my car and fixing my bike and going on bike rides and cleaning out the AC now that its getting hot around here. 

Pigging out on Pizza

So after complaining and moping the day away I have successfully NOT worked out but I HAVE successfully ordered a pizza.

And even though I am still wearing pajama shorts, I feel a lot better about my life.

The job I am looking for is not my soul's purpose. I know that. What I am looking for is a job that I can enjoy for two years and will provide enough income that I can continue to pursue my dreams. Its only two years so I don't have to feel super motivated, I don't have to marry it or fall in love with it or even co-habitate with it. But it IS still two years so it has to pay enough to be worth it and the people have to be nice and I have to have good benefits and good time off so that I'm refreshed and ready to go in two years and not depressed and exhausted.

Also, I feel drawn to the non-profit world. I came from there. I would love to work for the Humane Society or some other organization which would bring my interests and work together. My reservation about that has always been that I will have to work long thankless hours. But that is not true. I can simply put down some boundaries around when I am willing to work. I am a lot older and wiser than I was at 23 when I was at my first (beloved) non-profit job so I think I can handle myself a little bit better. Yay!

AND, as my dad pointed out, I am not desperate. I am in a position where I can be kinda choosy because I still have the roommates to help with the mortgage and I have my mini-job with Bosslady. 

I'm lucky.

So instead of sitting around all day feeling trapped and applying to jobs that I kinda hate the thought of working at, I can just make job applications another part of my daily routine and fill the "work" hours with activities that I love.

So I've changed my mind. I am no longer in purgatory. I am on vacation!

Unemployment Blues

So yeah. Its finally hit me. I thought I was invincible but now I am just annoyed and confused and antsy. 

I thought I would post here every day. I mean, I have time right? But being unemployed really isn't that interesting after a while. It was fun at first and now it just sucks. I hate TV but I watch it. I hate pigging out on creepy food like cotton candy but I do it. 

Sigh. 

Part of the problem might be that I have not been keeping to my unemployment schedule which forces me to be productive and not get lost in the many work-less working hours of the day.

But the bigger problem is direction. I know what I am looking for in terms of a job but I am still not so enthused about having a job. On one hand, I want to commit and work for two years at the same job and have a regular paycheck and just relax on the weekends and write and prepare for grad school. On the other hand I am reluctant to commit to a full time job which will entirely rule out any acting work.

I don't want to do acting stuff right now. But what happens when I want to again?

I guess one big thing that has happened is that my State Bill has passed which makes my state more competitive in attracting film/tv/video/any-moving-image projects. So there will be more work and wouldn't I rather do that than be an office drone all day?

The problem is that I am not sure. I would rather be an office drone all day for a while. But if opportunity abounds again in my state and in my little city, why would I want to be an office drone.

Maybe I could work it out so that my droning could be flexible enough for me to go to auditions and bookings.

And then of course there is the problem of getting auditions since I haven't been very good about building my resume or taking classes or kissing asses lately. 

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

I feel mired in my own indecision this week. I go through the motions of applying for jobs but secretly I don't want any of them. Well, not so secretly I guess. 

And at the same time I get excited thinking about working again full time and about how nice it will be to have a regular steady work schedule and how fun it will be to pay off all my debt. 

I wish I could make up my own mind!

Jobity Job Job

I had a phone interview yesterday for a job. I know. Super exciting. The thought of going back to work thrills me suddenly. I am so close to having all my financial problems solved!

BORING!

I got really bored today. I am READY to have a job again and to go to work every day. I got so bored that I felt rebellious, ate a bunch of food instead of dinner and blew off the gym to go to the grocery store with my roommate and then make sushi and watch a bad movie.

So I know that I can't stay inside all day reading blogs and checking email because there is a limit to how long that is really engaging for.

So I've set some specific weekly goals to help me motivate myself and get the projects done that need getting done so I won't be stressed when I do work full time (plus) again.

Goals for the next 3 weeks:

For the remainder of week 1: Finish all my garden projects that CAN be finished at this juncture. This means turning over and weeding another corner of the yard to prepare it for planting, doing another treasure hunt for dog turds, planting some container plants in the ground, planting sunflowers in front of the house and setting up the downspouts so that the water flows into my rainwater barrels. This actually is less work than it sounds consider that I have 8 hours a day to do it in and its pretty easy.

Week 2: Get my car in great shape. I'll start with cleaning it and doing something about the massive mess of unknown articles in the trunk. I've hauled a lot of plants, dirt and manure in the backseat so I've got my cleaning work cut out for me. Then I might as well use the parts I bought which are sitting in the garage and: replace the water pump, fix the window regulator (and put the door back together), do a friggin oil change and replace the exterior trim (after 1.5 years of driving around with little holes all around the side of the car where the trim is supposed to snap into place). There are other projects which need doing and I'll remember 'em when I get there. Oh, a belt needs to be tightened. 

Week 3: Inside projects. Finish painting the half painted kitchen wall, replace the trip on the windowseat. Put some moulding in the dining room and do something with the furniture so that it doesn't look like a storage area. Paint the downstairs hallway and the stairwell and the doors and doorframes too! Hang artwork and get frames. 

Ahhhh. Now I AM working 8 hours a day, just on too-long neglected stuff in my own life. If I can get all these things done before going back to work, I'll be thrilled. I always have a huge backlog of projects (and emails and voicemails and bills) but now I'm almost caught up and I can move AHEAD instead of being stuck in the past.

Job Applications

I applied for jobs today. Wow! I know that typically, this would be a daily thing for an unemployed person but for the past week, I have just been trying to wrap my mind around the thought of working full time. 

My resistance to doing something that normal Americans do on a daily basis isn't purely from laziness or from the hedonistic joy of spending my day anyway I want. It also comes from going through many jobs and several careers only to find that a) I am best as my own boss and b) I am capable of running my own business.

So when I made a break from my last job, I thought it was for good. And I have resisted committing myself to working for someone else because I felt like that was a fearful step forward instead of a braver step forward as a self-employed entrepreneur. 

If I am so good at being my own boss, why haven't I been able to make a living? Sigh. I ask myself this all the time. Ideally I'd have two great careers now: one as a realtor and one as an actor. Would I be successful in these things if the market hadn't fallen apart or if work hadn't disappeared completely? I don't know. I don't think I ever would have been a top producing realtor because that wasn't my passion and I doubt I'd be making a huge living acting because the market here was always too small for full-time actors. 

Which is why I am going back to work. I need to regroup and find something to do that is not dependent so much on my city and the availability of work here. And I need to re-rally my financial resources, pay off debt and save.

But I also need to rest. Running around trying to start up a business is exhausting and its even more exhausting when it doesn't work. While I failed at real estate because I didn't pour my heart and soul into it, I DID pour my heart and soul into acting and failed anyways.

Part of the problem is the work itself. But that is a topic for another day.

The point is that now I am tired. So tired that working during the week, saving my pennies and relaxing on the weekends actually sounds great! 

As long as I have time for writing. 

But now that I have practiced my daily unemployment schedule routine for a week,  feel much more confident that a) I can function just find on less than 8 hours of sleep a night and b) I WILL have time to work out and to hang out and to write. It will all fit if I just work one full time job.

Of course, I won't be working one full time job but a job and a half. But once the dust settles, I think I'll be happy with my life for the next 2.5 years at least.

And then onto new adventures (again).

Fake Work Week #2

Last week's unemployment schedule went pretty well for TWO DAYS. I am trying to balance "practicing" working full time and having to be super efficient with my time off and fitting in things I won't be able to do once I go back to work.

This week I am hoping to have the stamina to keep my schedule up all week and to make sure I hit the gym 4 times! One of my big goals for spending this extra time is to get a big headstart on getting the junk out of my trunk. I've thought about working out twice a day but I'm pretty sure I'll burn out too fast if I do that. So the gym in the evening is going to have to be enough for that.

I know that I'll also eat better when I have a full time job because I won't be temped to snack all day.

But I digress. Goals for this week are:

1. Make it through the whole week while sticking to my "unemployment schedule" so that I can practice being employed full time. I expect this to help make the transition from lazy bum to work-a-holic a little less stressful

2. Really focus on getting going to the gym and eating meals instead of snacking

3. Actually actively look for and apply to jobs. I have an idea of what my dream job is but I need to put in some resumes in a couple other places as well just for good measure. I need to spend at least an hour a day applying for jobs (otherwise all this other stuff is really really rediculous!)

So its Monday! Go workweek!