Pigging out on Pizza

So after complaining and moping the day away I have successfully NOT worked out but I HAVE successfully ordered a pizza.

And even though I am still wearing pajama shorts, I feel a lot better about my life.

The job I am looking for is not my soul's purpose. I know that. What I am looking for is a job that I can enjoy for two years and will provide enough income that I can continue to pursue my dreams. Its only two years so I don't have to feel super motivated, I don't have to marry it or fall in love with it or even co-habitate with it. But it IS still two years so it has to pay enough to be worth it and the people have to be nice and I have to have good benefits and good time off so that I'm refreshed and ready to go in two years and not depressed and exhausted.

Also, I feel drawn to the non-profit world. I came from there. I would love to work for the Humane Society or some other organization which would bring my interests and work together. My reservation about that has always been that I will have to work long thankless hours. But that is not true. I can simply put down some boundaries around when I am willing to work. I am a lot older and wiser than I was at 23 when I was at my first (beloved) non-profit job so I think I can handle myself a little bit better. Yay!

AND, as my dad pointed out, I am not desperate. I am in a position where I can be kinda choosy because I still have the roommates to help with the mortgage and I have my mini-job with Bosslady. 

I'm lucky.

So instead of sitting around all day feeling trapped and applying to jobs that I kinda hate the thought of working at, I can just make job applications another part of my daily routine and fill the "work" hours with activities that I love.

So I've changed my mind. I am no longer in purgatory. I am on vacation!

Unemployment Blues

So yeah. Its finally hit me. I thought I was invincible but now I am just annoyed and confused and antsy. 

I thought I would post here every day. I mean, I have time right? But being unemployed really isn't that interesting after a while. It was fun at first and now it just sucks. I hate TV but I watch it. I hate pigging out on creepy food like cotton candy but I do it. 

Sigh. 

Part of the problem might be that I have not been keeping to my unemployment schedule which forces me to be productive and not get lost in the many work-less working hours of the day.

But the bigger problem is direction. I know what I am looking for in terms of a job but I am still not so enthused about having a job. On one hand, I want to commit and work for two years at the same job and have a regular paycheck and just relax on the weekends and write and prepare for grad school. On the other hand I am reluctant to commit to a full time job which will entirely rule out any acting work.

I don't want to do acting stuff right now. But what happens when I want to again?

I guess one big thing that has happened is that my State Bill has passed which makes my state more competitive in attracting film/tv/video/any-moving-image projects. So there will be more work and wouldn't I rather do that than be an office drone all day?

The problem is that I am not sure. I would rather be an office drone all day for a while. But if opportunity abounds again in my state and in my little city, why would I want to be an office drone.

Maybe I could work it out so that my droning could be flexible enough for me to go to auditions and bookings.

And then of course there is the problem of getting auditions since I haven't been very good about building my resume or taking classes or kissing asses lately. 

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

I feel mired in my own indecision this week. I go through the motions of applying for jobs but secretly I don't want any of them. Well, not so secretly I guess. 

And at the same time I get excited thinking about working again full time and about how nice it will be to have a regular steady work schedule and how fun it will be to pay off all my debt. 

I wish I could make up my own mind!

Jobity Job Job

I had a phone interview yesterday for a job. I know. Super exciting. The thought of going back to work thrills me suddenly. I am so close to having all my financial problems solved!

BORING!

I got really bored today. I am READY to have a job again and to go to work every day. I got so bored that I felt rebellious, ate a bunch of food instead of dinner and blew off the gym to go to the grocery store with my roommate and then make sushi and watch a bad movie.

So I know that I can't stay inside all day reading blogs and checking email because there is a limit to how long that is really engaging for.

So I've set some specific weekly goals to help me motivate myself and get the projects done that need getting done so I won't be stressed when I do work full time (plus) again.

Goals for the next 3 weeks:

For the remainder of week 1: Finish all my garden projects that CAN be finished at this juncture. This means turning over and weeding another corner of the yard to prepare it for planting, doing another treasure hunt for dog turds, planting some container plants in the ground, planting sunflowers in front of the house and setting up the downspouts so that the water flows into my rainwater barrels. This actually is less work than it sounds consider that I have 8 hours a day to do it in and its pretty easy.

Week 2: Get my car in great shape. I'll start with cleaning it and doing something about the massive mess of unknown articles in the trunk. I've hauled a lot of plants, dirt and manure in the backseat so I've got my cleaning work cut out for me. Then I might as well use the parts I bought which are sitting in the garage and: replace the water pump, fix the window regulator (and put the door back together), do a friggin oil change and replace the exterior trim (after 1.5 years of driving around with little holes all around the side of the car where the trim is supposed to snap into place). There are other projects which need doing and I'll remember 'em when I get there. Oh, a belt needs to be tightened. 

Week 3: Inside projects. Finish painting the half painted kitchen wall, replace the trip on the windowseat. Put some moulding in the dining room and do something with the furniture so that it doesn't look like a storage area. Paint the downstairs hallway and the stairwell and the doors and doorframes too! Hang artwork and get frames. 

Ahhhh. Now I AM working 8 hours a day, just on too-long neglected stuff in my own life. If I can get all these things done before going back to work, I'll be thrilled. I always have a huge backlog of projects (and emails and voicemails and bills) but now I'm almost caught up and I can move AHEAD instead of being stuck in the past.

Job Applications

I applied for jobs today. Wow! I know that typically, this would be a daily thing for an unemployed person but for the past week, I have just been trying to wrap my mind around the thought of working full time. 

My resistance to doing something that normal Americans do on a daily basis isn't purely from laziness or from the hedonistic joy of spending my day anyway I want. It also comes from going through many jobs and several careers only to find that a) I am best as my own boss and b) I am capable of running my own business.

So when I made a break from my last job, I thought it was for good. And I have resisted committing myself to working for someone else because I felt like that was a fearful step forward instead of a braver step forward as a self-employed entrepreneur. 

If I am so good at being my own boss, why haven't I been able to make a living? Sigh. I ask myself this all the time. Ideally I'd have two great careers now: one as a realtor and one as an actor. Would I be successful in these things if the market hadn't fallen apart or if work hadn't disappeared completely? I don't know. I don't think I ever would have been a top producing realtor because that wasn't my passion and I doubt I'd be making a huge living acting because the market here was always too small for full-time actors. 

Which is why I am going back to work. I need to regroup and find something to do that is not dependent so much on my city and the availability of work here. And I need to re-rally my financial resources, pay off debt and save.

But I also need to rest. Running around trying to start up a business is exhausting and its even more exhausting when it doesn't work. While I failed at real estate because I didn't pour my heart and soul into it, I DID pour my heart and soul into acting and failed anyways.

Part of the problem is the work itself. But that is a topic for another day.

The point is that now I am tired. So tired that working during the week, saving my pennies and relaxing on the weekends actually sounds great! 

As long as I have time for writing. 

But now that I have practiced my daily unemployment schedule routine for a week,  feel much more confident that a) I can function just find on less than 8 hours of sleep a night and b) I WILL have time to work out and to hang out and to write. It will all fit if I just work one full time job.

Of course, I won't be working one full time job but a job and a half. But once the dust settles, I think I'll be happy with my life for the next 2.5 years at least.

And then onto new adventures (again).

Fake Work Week #2

Last week's unemployment schedule went pretty well for TWO DAYS. I am trying to balance "practicing" working full time and having to be super efficient with my time off and fitting in things I won't be able to do once I go back to work.

This week I am hoping to have the stamina to keep my schedule up all week and to make sure I hit the gym 4 times! One of my big goals for spending this extra time is to get a big headstart on getting the junk out of my trunk. I've thought about working out twice a day but I'm pretty sure I'll burn out too fast if I do that. So the gym in the evening is going to have to be enough for that.

I know that I'll also eat better when I have a full time job because I won't be temped to snack all day.

But I digress. Goals for this week are:

1. Make it through the whole week while sticking to my "unemployment schedule" so that I can practice being employed full time. I expect this to help make the transition from lazy bum to work-a-holic a little less stressful

2. Really focus on getting going to the gym and eating meals instead of snacking

3. Actually actively look for and apply to jobs. I have an idea of what my dream job is but I need to put in some resumes in a couple other places as well just for good measure. I need to spend at least an hour a day applying for jobs (otherwise all this other stuff is really really rediculous!)

So its Monday! Go workweek!

Fitting in Blogging

It has become apparent to me that keeping up with Singlutionary and with my writing projects, while working full time is going to be difficult, even after I quit match.com.

Soooooo. I have come up with a few ideas.

1. I only go to the gym Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, Friday. I leave off on Wednesdays to catch up on blogging. And I have Saturday mornings free to blog as I sit around my house being heck lazy and eating breakfast. 

I'll be a two-day-per-week blogger. It'll be great.

Now I've gotta go do a yoga video before its time for lunch. 

Unemployment Timeline

Today is the first day that I did any job-seeking activities since Sunday. Today is Thursday. Today, I have totally fallen off the wagon in regards to my unemployment schedule. Something needed to give. I needed to sleep and catch up on things and also just be lazy. But I made it through three days and I do feel that I am a little bit closer to being able to handle this intense/tight schedule. 

In other words: I'm getting used to it. Maybe next week I can get through the entire week (M-F) without falling apart!

But I've been noticing the things which I do that take up a lot of time and space but don't offer a huge reward or do offer a huge reward but could be done more efficiently. 

Watering the Garden: Once I get my first paycheck, I need to invest in some timers so I can do some of the watering without even being present. I really enjoy watering the garden and I find it incredibly soothing but I don't want to worry about it NOT getting done if something comes up. There will always be things that I do NEED to do myself but if I can get a few things on timers or on drips then the time I spend with the rest of the garden will be shorter (but still therapeutic) and I can still enjoy checking on its progress as often as I want.

Match.com: I am so OVER match.com on so many levels. I have written about this in more detail on my other blog, Singlutionary. But I have decided to keep going until my pre-paid, three month term expires on 5/8/09. It seems that the moment I quit being interested in meeting men, the men started to wink and email me like crazy. I find it both entertaining and annoying at the same time. But since I know that I'm not interested in a serious/intense relationship at this point in time, I've kinda loosened up and I am looking for potential friends. For that reason, I am staying on. I am going to filter all the match.com emails to a folder and deal with them at once in one big chunk when I am in the right mood.

Volunteering: I have spend HOURS volunteering this past year to the point where it was almost a full time job. But its just not as rewarding as I used to be and these little tasks which seem like no big deal can be very disruptive to my day. So I've basically quit. I'd like to help out again the future when I have time. 

Ahhhh. But that brings me to my point (sorry, this post is a little scattered which I think is reflective of my mind right now):

5/8/09 is my date for going back to work! I put it on my calendar. Its actually a Friday which seems a little silly but really its one of those symbolic law-of-attraction kinds of things.

The match.com thing made me realize that a) this past year wasn't a waste but a time to do things I can't get done while working (like starting Singlutionary and my garden) and that I am not *quite* done yet. I still have to iron out a few things in my life before I make the leap back into full time employment. So I've given myself a few weeks. I think that the deadline will also serve to light a little bit more of a fire under me. 

My Expanding Bedtime

For the past year my waistline has been expanding. But now my bedtime is expanding too.

I've only slept a little over 4 hours the past three nights (basically since I started this unemployment schedule thingie). Things unravel after my "rush hour" and there is always a wrench being thrown in somewhere.

I am hopeful, however. I am doing this NOW so that I can have a smooth transition later. 

But one thing I am really seeing is how my time is spent. The past year I've just done stuff because it needed to be done and I didn't really pay attention to what time was going where because it was all important and it all fit. I also had a lot of spare time. There were things to do it was up to me to do them or up to me to blow them off. 

But when time gets scarce, I notice that 4 hours goes to running around town looking for the razor blade refills that go in the recycled plastic razor and swim goggles and Biolage shampoo that doesn't cost too much. I also notice the 30 seconds it takes everytime I walk from the kitchen to move the sprinkler. 

Phew! But I am getting more efficient. This new life is going to force me to cut out the things which aren't essential. And after living a life of non-essential/non-income-producing activity for the past year, I think I'll welcome that right along with the structure.

But it requires a change in my thinking.

For example email (and my sudden and shocking popularity on Match.com) takes up WAY too much of my time. I'm going to start automatically filtering match.com emails and blog subscriptions/comment updates to folders where I can check them at a designated time instead of having to plough through them all day long. 

My Rush Hour

In my post yesterday, I wrote about my unemployment schedule. From 5:30-6:45, I hope to be able to do ALL of the following on a regular basis:

Make Dinner including setting aside a portion for the next day's lunch

Eat Dinner

Cleanup after dinner

Water the Garden

Do My Daily Chore

I know that this can be done but it will take some getting used to and I'll have to be super efficient.

I didn't start my rush hour until 5:45. By 6:15 I had watered half the garden (I just move two or three sprinklers from spot to spot but there are lot of spots) and prepared dinner, putting aside a portion for the next day's lunch.

Watering was made easier because I had already watered the back patio earlier in the day when I found a spare moment. So I guess I cheated a little.

And cooking was made very simple due to some excellent grocery shopping (how am I doing to find time to get to the grocery store in this new life????) and preparation I had done earlier (I had a container of mixed rice and beans in the fridge waiting to be heated up). I even had time to take a few pictures of my quick handywork.

I sat down, ate a couple bites and then went a moved the sprinklers again. I repeated this several times. I know its good to sit down for a full meal, but I also know its good to wait a little bit between bites. I am willing to sacrifice a leisurely dinner so that I can workout later on or write this blog! Also, this only works for me because I'm not afraid of organic dirt. So I don't feel the need to wash my hands after moving the sprinkler.

By 6:45 I had almost finished the watering. All that was left was to turn the spigot off in the backyard. I had cleaned the kitchen and washed all but a few token dishes. All that was left was my chores. Chores for Monday are: pay bills, run errands, laundry, put out recycling.

I had put a load of laundry in before going to Bosslady's and my roommate had moved it to the dryer so all that was left was to put it away. I had also put the recycling out at the curb when I left for bosslady's and the same roommate had pulled the bin in. 

So, I had 15 minutes to: put away laundry and pay bills.

Running errands on Monday will be tricky once I get my full time job. Usually these errands consist of going to the bank/grocerystore/gas station, etc. I could do them on my lunch break but then I wouldn't have the serenity of walking my dog. I could try and do them on the way home from work but that would put me in rush hour traffic (and would cut into my domestic rush hour). Hmmm. Maybe the errands can just be spread out through the week. That is what usually happens anyways.

So, all-in-all, my Rush Hour was a success! YAY. 

Paying bills will be SO MUCH LESS STRESSFUL when I have the income from a full-time job again! Gosh it will be wonderful to just pay bills when they come in and not hold onto them as long as I can and then hope I get my deposits to clear in time. 

Unabashed Unemployment Day 1: The Schedule

Over the weekend, I decided that I need to put myself on a schedule which mimics what my life would be like when I get a full time job. Basically, I'll get up every morning and to to bed every night and take my lunch break and get dressed just like I would if I had my ideal work schedule. 

I am going to do this until I get a full time job.

There are two reasons for doing this:

1. When I get a full time job, it will be in addition to working for Bosslady once she recovers from her car accident (get well soon Bosslady!!) so I will be working about 60 hours a week. Its also important to me that I keep up all my projects, including Singlutionary, and have time for some personal peace. I also want to continue to observe my secular sabbath and keep up my vegetable garden (my new favorite project). SO, I'm going to have to become very efficient-- like raising-six-kids-in-a-studio-apartment efficient-- in order to be able to work, have peace and do the things that are most important to me (writing, homemaking, gardening, hanging with my dog, etc, etc, etc). And because this is a tall order, I figure I better start practicing now so that I don't want to die when I finally do get the job of my dreams.

2. I figure its a good thing to do in that "law of attraction"/The SECRET kind of way. You know, I dress in the clothes I'd like to wear at my ideal job and FEEL like I've already got my ideal job and waddaya know? I suddenly HAVE my ideal job. Poof!

So. Here is my Schedule:

5-5:40AM: Getup, get dressed, eat breakfast, etc

5:40-8AM: Bosslady Stuff (I am still helping Bosslady with some stuff while she is in the hospital which is great because it forces me to get up early!)

8-12PM: Work (during this time, since I don't actually HAVE a job, I can work on projects, look for jobs, apply for jobs or shop for interview clothes. I can NOT sit at home watching Big Love on DVD. I have to be actively engaged in a) things that will help me get a job or b) important projects that I will be pissed off about not having any time to do once I get a job. 

12-1PM: Lunctime (eat a meal that I prepared and packed up the previous night), walk the dog M-W, go to Bosslady's Th-F.

1-5PM: Work (this week its on my yard or getting "ahead on the blogs" although I am not sure how the heck I am going to be able to keep up blogging. Today I went to an acting class.

5:30-6:45PM: Dinner. Put a portion aside for lunch tomorrow. Clean up. Water the yard while things are cooking. Daily chore (I've broken up housework into 4 parts done M-Th). This is going to be the hard part because that is a lot to cram into that period of time, but I know that with practice and preparation, I can do it!

6:45-8PM: Blogging (or grad school applications or other writing project)

8-9:15PM: Swimming at the Gym with my new Gym membership. I choose to go in the evenings because that is when my roommate goes and she motivates me. Also, I plan to shower and get ready for bed directly after swimming (and leave the gym in my pjs) so there is less time wasted on costume changes. 

9:30-10PM: Get ready for bed (I'll have already showered, etc at the gym and I'll have already prepared my lunch for tomorrow so I'll pretty much just need to brush my teeth).

The above is the IDEAL. I am trying to stick to it as closely as possible so I can get into the swing of things. Today I did pretty well until about 3pm (universal siesta time). Right not its 5:48 and I shouldn't be blogging (I have time for that later). I should be in my watering/cooking/cleaning mode. Oops.

Until tomorrow!

Living the Full Time Life

Now that I've decided to go back to work FULL TIME, I need to start practicing. 

Looking for a job is a full time job in and of itself.

So there are two things I am going to do:

1. Live each day as if I were working my ideal full-time work schedule: 9-5, Monday-Friday

2. Do things in the "work" time that I will not have time to do when I go back to work.

So. In order to do #1. I will:

Get up at the same time every "work" day and get dressed in "work" clothes and be out the door in time to get to "work" on time. 

Not stress about finding a job on my days off because I know I've put in a lot of effort during my work week.

And that brings us to the fun part: #2

Things I am going to do while I still have time (that I will be pissed at myself for NOT doing when I had the time when I find myself working 40+ hours a week again and doing nothing productive on the weekends because I am so exhausted from the work week):

1. Go shopping (at Ross and Goodwill) for awesome work clothes for my ideal imaginary job. This, according to the law of attraction will help me find the ideal job where I get to wear my own clothes and look like a hottie all day.

2. Finish long forgotten projects on the house. The first one is to finish putting in my vegetable garden so that even if I don't get a job, I'll at least be able to eat.

3. Get a jump start on getting the junk outta my trunk! I've gained 15 lbs in the past year. I don't need to be carrying that with me everywhere I go. Plus, if I get it off I'll fit into about 80% more of my current wardrobe. 

4. Get the junk outta my car's trunk. And get an oil change. And replace the water pump and do some cosmetic stuff that has been on the backburner for eons. Of course, I do this all myself, so its not expensive. It does, however, take a lot of time. And while I'm at it, I might go ahead a fix the brakes on my beach cruiser bicycle so when I find a job within biking distance I'll be ready to ride to work in my heels and hose.

5. Make a realistic game plan and schedule for all of my other projects. I'm afraid that when I go back to working full time, all my precious projects will fall to the wayside. I need to know that I'll still be able to exercise and walk my dog and water the yard and write my blog and create a singles community and make postcards and keep the house clean and orderly. If I make a gameplan and figure out the details AND start practicing in advance, the transition back to working won't be as traumatic. 

So, there you go! I am going to start my new plan on Monday. Tomorrow is Sunday which is my Secular Sabbath.  

What I've Been Doing (and why its not worth doing anymore)

I'm used to worrying about money. I've been doing it for years. I do that whole get-paid-and-go-deposit-the-check-just-in-time-for-that-other-check-to-not-bounce dance for, uh, five years now. 

But this whole time I have been suffering with the deep faith and whole knowledge that what I was doing with my life and with my time was well worth the struggle.

But now that I have struggled and I have done what I set out to do (more or less), its time to make some money again.

I would be making money through some of the endeavors that I mortgaged my future (and borrowed myself to the max) for except that the economy has eliminated those specific opportunities.

I was a realtor. Yeah. That one needs no explanation these days.

And then I was an actor in a state where all the work has been exported to states that offer better incentives. I moved here when this place was considered "Hollywood South". Now its just another city. 

Plus, I don't know if I even want to be caught up in that image-centric, youth obsessed industry anymore. 

So, yeah. Its time to go back to work. 

This Blog is About . . .

I decided to start another short-term blog in addition to my regular blog Singlutionary. I am unemployed. I have been underemployed for uh, years. I'm an artist, a writer, an actor, a homemaker-of-sorts and so I had other things I was working on this whole time. And they were worth being broke over.

But now its time for me to go back to work full time. I've accomplished what I've set out to accomplish and in order to make the next move (whatever it may be) I need to be debt free with some money in the bank. 

So I need to work again. Of course I choose a time to re-join the workforce when there is NO workforce. This is a time of historic unemployment, blah blah blah.

The good new is that I've been broke so long that a few more months won't matter much to me.

The bad news is that I haven't held a "job" in so long that my resume looks like a patchwork quilt made from scraps. 

So every way, every day that I try to re-enter the workforce (all the while reevaluating my decision to do so) I will blog. I know lots of people are going through the same kind of thing so here is my story. Please feel free to comment, to vent, to suggest and to cry and condemn this system. 

I am still growing vegetables in my backyard and with them I grow the hope that my return to working for "the man" will be short-lived.